"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."
Woody Allen
"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Woody Allen
"Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue."
Woody Allen
"Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down."
Woody Allen
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
Woody Allen
"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."
Woody Allen
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there."
Woody Allen
"He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian."
Woody Allen
"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."
Woody Allen